Subject: WAR: Warmistress: We Are Family (01/01)
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2001 10:20:16 -0400
From: "Don Fasig" <phase3 @ GATE.NET>
Reply-To: FKWarMistress @ aol.com
To: FKFIC-L @ LISTS.PSU.EDU
Warmistress: We Are Family (01/01)
by the Warmistress and her minions (thanks, minions!)
Time: Middle of Schanke's anniversary party, after all the factions have arrived
The partygoers mulled around, wondering where (and for that matter, who) the Guest of Honor was. Suddenly, a commotion at the door caught their attention.
Schanke and Tracy burst through the entrance, shouting, "We've got it! We are each other!"
"We know that, Schanke," FoD leader Cindy pointed out.
"No, no, no. I know you know *that*. We *really* are each other, switched or not," Tracy in Schanke declared. "Who am I?"
"You're Tracy, and we love you," Anita, the DP leader, said.
"But what else am I? What's my job, besides being a *good* cop, that is?. I'm Nick's partner!"
"Right ..." Anita and her co-leaders, Wolfy and Anne, looked at each other in confusion.
"And what am I?" Schanke in Tracy asked. "I'm Nick's partner, too! See? We truly are each other!" He grinned appreciatively and gestured at the crowd."And it's not just me and Tracy. All of us are each other."
The crowd began eying each other furtively, trying to imagine themselves in each other's shoes, non-sensible or not. It was not a pretty picture.
"But how has that caused the switches to happen?" a puzzled Katrinka asked.
"I think I know the answer to that." UFer Kathy stepped forward shyly. "I've been pondering this a lot. We all made this happen, with our imagination and our writing."
"You mean we all caused the switches to happen?" asked Kimmer.
"In a way, yes," Kathy continued. "Look at all the differences in characterization among the three seasons of the show, let alone the factions, and all the fan fiction. Every person has his or her own interpretation of th e characters. Two writers might take the same exact situation and characters, go off in totally different directions, and come up with a totally different story."
"Well, which one's the right one, then? I mean, a person, oops, a character is what a character is." This from Vaq leader Felicia.
"That's my whole point. There isn't a RIGHT one. I think that is what's been causing the personality switches. Think back to the last few wars, and all the on again off again faction divisions and rivalries. There's been so much dissension about what the characters really are. So many different portrayals. So much argument. I think the characters went on overload, not knowing who they were any more."
"So how do we get them back to themselves, then? And get them to stay put?" questioned NNP Susan.
"By doing what we've been doing. Writing collaborative stories. Accepting different viewpoints. Agreeing to disagree. Remembering that we're one big happy FK family," Kathy concluded.
"I think I'm going to be sick," the GHP said.
"Indeed," LaCroix (in Janette's body) said under his breath, although he couldn't totally contain his interest.
"But we've been doing that, haven't we? At least for this war. So how come they keep switching?" interjected NatPack leader Debra Ann..
"They'ze keep switchin' cause this is a two week war an we' had a haf sometin to rite about," Libby squealed. Johnsie and McLisa nodded their heads side to side in agreement.
"Then how do we make them stop?" asked UFer Les.
"By holding hands in a big circle, clicking our heels, and saying "There's no place like Toronto?" MercMommy Mildred smirked and the other Mercs snickered.
"By writing premise resolutions into Schanke's anniversary party posts!" Kathy declared.
"Hw do we know that will work?" asked Comfy Cottage resident Kezia.
"Because the all-powerful and mysterious Warmistress says so."
"Ahhh!" A deep sigh of collective relief went through all the partygoers. People began to smile at each other. Even Knighties and Cousins, Ravenettes and NatPackers, too. A few even hugged.
"Oh, I don't care if you people never change back!" the GHP declared, "All this touchy feely crap is disgusting! There's got to be some other solution that doesn't involve being nice that you people have been working on d uring the war. Not all of you are Knighties. I want to see some action!" The GHP snapped her fingers. "F. Hugh!" A sizzle-hiss-pop! produced the tiny dark body of the Poobah's fanfic fairy. "Compile me a list! Cross-refer ence! Itemize! Amortize! In hand! Now!"
A yellow and black book popped into the Mercbard's greedy grasp. The front cover read, "War XI Premise Wrap-Up For Dummies." She began to flip through the pages, skipping the chapters about hugging and sing-alongs. "Ah! C hapter 15: Pulling Everything Together" She turned the page, reading aloud as she skimmed."Note: It is necessary when wrapping up a premise to have all major characters (such that they are) and War players within the same room, for example, the Schanke's anniversary party." The GHP looked up, glanced around the room, and nodded decisively. "Check. Got that sucker covered."
"No, wait!" Christy from Nunkies Anonymous called. "Patt's not here. She stayed at the Shrine to rest after the bar fight."
"Crap. You Nunkie people are always messing around! Get serious!" The GHP flipped back to a previous chapter: Rules, Provisos and Exceptions. Laurie threw her hand in the air and recited another segment. "...All recommend ations,rules and requirements set forth in this manual apply to all War players except Patt. She's special."
"That's not fair!" Knightie Co-Leader Eowyn complained.
The GHP shook the book in the air. "I didn't write this junk. Don't complain to me. Just keep hugging stuff, and let me read."
"Let me see that!" Cousin Tok reached over and grabbed the book out of the GHP's hand. The MercBard turned to complain, but seeing both Janette and LaCroix, to say nothing of a horde of Cousins, standing behind the Cousin ly Leader, she reconsidered.
Cousin Tok picked up where the GHP had left off, continuing with the Wrap-Up. "...Following is a list of notable anomalies contributing to the switch phenomenon. Address each one (and any other) successfully, and the war premise will be solved..."
1) Variance in fan fiction interpretations leading to conflict and disagreement over which characters are genuine.
2) Deficiency in Vitamin U leading to personality disorders.
3) Mercs giving away free chocolate. (At this, MercMommy Mildred began heading to the door.)
4) The wrong ice cream cones are intersecting in secret physics lab on U of TO campus
5) Asteroid files missing from observatory. (Check with aliens)
6) Llama has communal dung pile in her 'Relationship Paddock'
7) Old, Dead Guy reanimated in Nunkies Anonymous Shrine is ready to destroyeveryone.
8) Vachon's Amazing and Transcendental Motorbike is lonely. Needs new friend.
9) Fried war brain cells replaced by fried real life brain cells.
"That's easy! Let's get busy writing," Cousin Tser said, as Cindy and the FoDsstarted handing out paper, pencils, and laptops.
The factions erupted in cheers, whoops, whistles, and yep, even bounces. TheKnighties tried for a puppy pile. A few others began to form a circle for agroup hug.
Suddenly, a strange woman burst through the mansion's doors. She lookeddisheveled and confused. Too many strange events had happened to her since shehad arrived in Toronto almost two weeks ago.
"I'm ready!" Mary Sue shouted, a manic smile on her face. "I know what's goingon! I know why I've been so disheveled and confused, to say nothing of manicand lost. It's ... because ... it's ... WAR!"
Her smile turned to a frown as she stared at the crowd. This bunch sure didn'tlook very warlike to her. In fact, everyone seemed to be almost arm in arm,reeking love, happiness and tolerance. Even the vampires looked plea sed. Not awarlike persona in sight.. *What* was going on?
She stood silent as the crowd began to hug. When it seemed as though LaCroixand Janette were about to join in, she ran screaming from the mansion.
"ARGH!!! I'm going back to my research center. Living underground *has* to bebetter than this!"